I know most will not
read this whole thing but this is my personal page and my thoughts... Please no comments, thank you.
Forgive the way this
is worded but I’m not an educated girl.
I actually don't know who I am... I mean I know people don't
like me and nobody will tell me what’s wrong with me. I know people tolerate me
but I don’t know why I’m not liked.
I have over 700 friends on facebook, these are people I know... either
from school, church, and of course family but I have met every single one. Who
are these people I call friends? Are they really my friends or do they just
want to have a lot of "friends" on their pages? I guess who really
knows.
Who am I?
I'm that girl, you know the one you see who sits alone in
church, who goes to a birthday party with her 2 year old and sits in
the corner while 10 other mom's talk, laugh, and enjoy each other’s company.
I'm that girl who gets asked "how are you"? Then realizes they don't
really care how you are. They may be asking but it's a fake question I get
caught in week after week. I'm the girl who always says the wrong thing; the
girl who wants to be friends with everyone but knows they don’t want you
involved in their circle of friends. I’m the girl who gets
upset when families that moved in after you get talks... I must be that girl who isn't good enough to give a talk, I’m the girl who gets jealous
when she see’s someone new to a ward get a calling but her husband has been
waiting months to get one. I’m the
girl who doesn't ever feel good enough to be LDS. I’m the girl who hasn't been a member her whole life, who has the tattoos, scars, and tears from her
past, the girl who’s been divorced and has kids with different dads, the girl
who will never fit in, who will never be good enough, the girl who will always
be judged. Oh yes I know people talk about all these things mentioned. I’m the girl, who’s in the middle of a conversation with you
then somehow when someone else walks up becomes the third wheel, and as I
slowly walk away with tear filled eyes and another reason to doubt herself… I
remember this is why I sit alone at church. I’m the girl who tries so hard to
be friends with others but am quickly reminded that I will never fit in.
I’m the girl who has a label on her back from her family
because she has a father who beat her mother and tried to kill her before she was
born, a mother who looks at her and see’s the man who abused her in her
daughters eyes, siblings that have a bond you’ll never get, a dad that gave up
everything for you at seventeen only to give you nothing after his passing
because you’re not truly his daughter. Grandparents who turned the other way
because you’re not biologically theirs.
I’m the girl who has been cheated on by every man who claimed
he loved her, who has been abused in every way imaginable, a girl who may not
be highly educated but managed to get some kind of diploma within her 30 years, who doesn't want to show her kids her pain, who knows what poverty really is, and a girl you’re never going to
really know because you don’t want to know her. Yes I’m that girl!
I'm the girl that would drop everything in a heartbeat to help someone else, the girl who tries to make others happy, who want's to help anyone and everyone, the girl who doesn't mind watching your kids so you can have a morning to yourself or have them stay the night while you have a baby, I'm the girl who tries to solve problems, who listens when you've lost a loved one, who allows herself to think shes your friend but realizes... she is just someone You know.
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